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Beaujolais!

Missing Link Discovered in New Orleans Strip Club

No Flag! Soundtrack Now Available

Son Shine

July 2005 

I Need a Vacation

Now well past my year anniversary at the new job, I think it's high time I took a little vacation. Though I'm not sure exactly what I'll do, it will definitely be something fun, frivolous and as relatively inexpensive as I can manage with my son (and wife, if she so decides) in tow.

It isn't that the sometimes monotonous, workaday duties this place requires are all that bad, it's just that a number of my co-workers make accomplishing even the simplest tasks one hell of a chore at times. Seems like I'm surrounded by babies with bad attitudes and/or hungover, back-stabbing hedonists.

Why is it so difficult for folks to simply plant a smile on their faces and do their fucking jobs? Because they're miserable bastards is why.

Course, I might be a miserable bastard too had I been shystered into voting a dipshit into the White House as the vast majority of my fellow eployees apparently did.

I only hope I'm at the beach or wherever when the salesfolk decide to raid the manager's office with their uzis.

The Old Hometown

Word Play

A Periodic Table of Free Radicals

Insufferable Fools

Ode to a Mudbug

I know a crawdad, he burrows in the mud.
When he sticks his head up, I see my li'l bud.
"I's just a mudbug, happy as can be.
But cross me, you bastard, and I'll kill you!"
- Bill Prescott

Ask Dr.Crawdad - Middle Eastern Policy

Slave the Children

Ask Doctor Crawdad: Dark Incontinence

Junior High Cool - Dead-End Diversions

Ask Dr. Crawdad: The Cold War

Questions of Faith

Craypap

(sung to the tune of a certain Southern rouser)

There's a dish I et that can't be forgotten,
Made of them bugs who live in creek mud bottoms.
I'm a fan!
I'm a fan!
I'm a fan, of crawdads, man.
Oh, I wish I had some crawdads,
Hooray! Hooray!
I'd soak them fellers in melted butter,
And swaller em down into my gutters.
Crawdads, man! Crawdads, man! Crawdads, man!
CRAWDADS, MAN!!!
I love to eat them crawdads!

- Bill Prescott

The Feminine Mystique

The mechanics of a woman's world operate under a complex conspiracy of benevolent elves and scheming agnostics out to herd ladybugs and/or hide her toesocks.
- Goethe Fakhan

Courting Contempt

There’s a much thinner line betwixt humor and vengeance
than dildos might lead you to think.
- Pierre LaTrine

Cretin Comforts

Take Me To Your Litre

Wednesday, 5:15 p.m.

I sit down to a bucket of nuts and order a Natural draft, perusing the selection of beers in the refrigerator case behind the bar. Warsteiner. Downtown Brown. Grolsch.

I recall the crazy Belgian who used to run the restaurant downtown before the attorneys and insurance agents put an end to such frivolities. His name escapes us, but seems it was some kind of Americanized nickname, like Sparky or Buddy or Jimbo.

If I were in Belgium, would I choose a new handle that sounded local? Of course, I've no clue exactly what might constitute a Belgian name. Something else to look up on the net, perhaps.

Two Belgian Whites and a Dugout later, I decide it's high time to learn a foreign tongue. Heck, I seem to perform fairly well with Ebonics, how hard could it be?

I'll keep you posted, senor.

Dr. Crawdad's Original Bath & Shower Guide

Yasser, That's My Baby

Came into work this morning and logged on to AOL as usual only to learn that long-comatose Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat died overnight at the age of 75.

I can imagine the Israelis welcome this news like the release of a shitty new Streisand picture or a Chanukah card from Joe Lieberman hisself.

Me, I’m not so sure.

Never much of a Gipper fan (to put it mildly), I must admit I took the news of Reagan’s passing earlier this year as something of a relief.

Though I never doubted for a moment his heartfelt and genuine commitment to those blockheaded policies of his, this didn’t lessen the suffering they caused nor excuse his penchant for short-sighted solutions to very complex problems and issues.

Who’d of thunk that by the time he finally kicked we’d wind up with his veep’s addle-brained son behind the podium.

Say what you want about his recent obsession with hurricanes, the Good Lord certainly do have one strange sense of humor.

Which, of course, brings us back to the Arafat situation.

Let’s hope his successors in the PLO and Palestinian Authority (Mahmoud Abbas and Rauhi Fattouh, respectively) emulate the old man’s finer diplomatic qualities while dismissing the very tendencies toward violence and antagonism that have always added so much weight to his enemies’ accusations.

Of course, I’m also hoping for a new house, world peace and that my old Time-Warner stock takes a turn back toward 90 bucks a share.

I’m not holding my breath.

Sobriety Advised To Take It a Step At the Time